At 11:42 last night, Wednesday the 27th of October, the number of Amazon Book Categories superseded the actual number of books they sell.
The category that put the tally over the edge was “Baking for Emo Vampire Teens,” created especially for a new cookbook, “Black Blood Sausages: Balancing Bodily Fluids and Dark Colors in Your Blood-Hungry Emo Adolescent.”
The author of “Black Blood Sausages,” Bifferford Clawfy, was overjoyed when BookFox reached him by phone this morning at 5:10. “Of course people would want to sink their teeth into a book like this,” he said. “In fact, I expect it to be at the top of several categories in the next week, including the category “Vampire Cookbooks written by Middle-Aged White Men with Prostrate Problems.”
Bildred Humdrum, the chief PR representative at Amazon Inc., promoted the tipping point as a momentous cause for celebration: “Now every author can feel special, because every book can be at the top of their special category. Also, in the future we will provide ways for every author to create a special category on their own, just in case their book is not at the top of an existing category.”
Booksellers across the nation expressed surprise but also relief, because now every book could be marketed as 1st in their class. Marketing would trumpet the “top of the category” claim but never canadian drugs name the rather distended title of the category.
Trappersnitch Hummerdunk, owner of the independent bookstore “Ballyhoo Books,” said it would be so much easier to sell books over the counter now that they could use an established standard like Amazon’s categories: “It’s just so hard to convince someone to buy a book when it’s just my opinion. I mean, I can say that a book not only changed my life but also my unborn children and grandchildren’s lives, and it gave me the spiritual and mental depth of the Dalai Lama and Jesus Christ combined, but that pales beside rising to the top of an Amazon category.”
In related news, Amazon recently revealed plans to start awarding book prizes. Humdrum said, “The trouble with the Pulitzer and National Book Award is that they ignore so many books. By awarding 42.25 million more book awards, everyone can be a winner. And we can sell more award-winning books.”
No news yet on how Borders and Barnes and Noble will respond to this momentous occasion. An insider source who refused to be named in fear of reciprocity from superiors (code name: Deep Spine), indicated both booksellers will start to give each book its own special shelf. This will both reduce options, making it easier to select a book, and also make each book seem very special.
