He got up and sat on the edge of the bedstead with his back to the window. “It’s better not to sleep at all,” he decided. There was a cold damp draught from the window, however; without getting up he drew the blanket over him and wrapped himself in it. He was not thinking of anything and did not want to think. But one image rose after another, incoherent scraps of thought without beginning or end passed through his mind. He sank into drowsiness. Perhaps the cold, or the dampness, or the dark, or the wind that howled under the window and tossed the trees roused a sort of persistent craving for the fantastic. He kept dwelling on images of flowers, he fancied a charming flower garden, a bright, warm, almost hot day, a holiday—Trinity day. A fine, sumptuous country cottage in the English taste overgrown with fragrant flowers, with flower beds going round the house; the porch, wreathed in climbers, was surrounded with beds of roses. A light, cool staircase, carpeted with rich rugs, was decorated with rare plants in china pots. He noticed particularly in the windows nosegays of tender, white, heavily fragrant narcissus bending over their bright, green, thick long stalks. He was reluctant to move away from them, but he went up the stairs and came into a large, high drawing-room and again everywhere—at the windows, the doors on to the balcony, and on the balcony itself—were flowers. The floors were strewn with freshly-cut fragrant hay, the windows were open, a fresh, cool, light air came into the room. The birds were chirruping under the window, and in the middle of the room, on a table covered with a white satin shroud, stood a coffin. The coffin was covered with white silk and edged with a thick white frill; wreaths of flowers surrounded it on all sides. Among the flowers lay a girl in a white muslin dress, with her arms crossed and pressed on her bosom, as though carved out of marble. But her loose fair hair was wet; there was a wreath of roses on her head. The stern and already rigid profile of her face looked as though chiselled of marble too, and the smile on her pale lips was full of an immense unchildish misery and sorrowful appeal. Svidrigaïlov knew that girl; there was no holy image, no burning candle beside the coffin; no sound of prayers: the girl had drowned herself. She was only fourteen, but her heart was broken. And she had destroyed herself, crushed by an insult that had appalled and amazed that childish soul, had smirched that angel purity with unmerited disgrace and torn from her a last scream of despair, unheeded and brutally disregarded, on a dark night in the cold and wet while the wind howled

50 Outrageously Funny Book Titles

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Don’t judge a book by its cover — judge it by its title!

From flirtatious farm equipment to the prose of pee, these funny book titles will have you reading until you’re laughing, crying, or wetting the bed — hopefully all three. This list includes but is not limited to:

  • cannibalistic cookbooks
  • canine cyberbullying
  • political grandstanding
  • gangsta coloring books

Get some inspiration and comic relief from these 50 titles.

1) Bossypants by Tina Fey

The queen of comedy herself reveals the hair-raising secrets (and arms) that are sure to break the patriarchy. From cruise ship horror stories to coveted (and completely sarcastic) beauty tips, she’ll help your 30s (and beyond) Rock!

 

2) I Can Make You Hot!: The Supermodel Diet by Kelly Killoren Bensimon

While the title sounds like bad clickbait, it’s hard to resist the allure of a better body. If you’re as distressed as these beat-up jeans about your appearance, the weight is about to be over.

 

3) The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee by Sarah Silverman

Silverman’s goofy, irreverent style is perfectly encapsulated in this playfully epic title. If you don’t mind a little raunchy humor, urine for a great story.

4) Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

It’s hard to find a better (or funnier) Handle on Blume’s YA classic. This is an Absolut gem of a title that’s sure to gain a buzz!

5) Everything Was Fine Until Whatever by Chelsea Martin

This one wins the Laziest Title Award, or not. Who cares, really?

 

6) Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining by Judy Sheindlin

This begins and ends the list of things you can say in both court and dog training class. Judge Judy’s face in the photo suggests that she is thinking about trying the very thing her title is working against. She may have been doing it at the moment this photo was shot. I’ll let you be the judge.

7) Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever by Judy Sheindlin

The jury’s still out on the book, but a ruling of colloquial wisdom from TV’s infamous Judge Judy sure makes a comical cover.

8) Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism! by Dave Barry

The juxtaposition of mucus and Mount Rushmore is something special. There snot a chance I’d lie to you — this one’s a great pick.

9) I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert

Just in time for the election. This book’s title will inspire patriotism in the hearts of all, whether you’re a Democrat, Republican, or a free-thinker who speaks exclusively in greeting card rhetoric.

10) America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t by Stephen Colbert

The funniest part of the title is that it was released back when Trump was a Democrat. If the title doesn’t catch you, the 3-D glasses are sure to seal the deal.

11) Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations by Al Franken

Political science professors, take note. Trigger warning: not PC!

12) First Step 2 Forever (100% Official) by Justin Bieber

A great read 4 any Belieber. Don’t settle for those 99% and less official books: Love Yourself instead by buying the real deal. You won’t be Sorry.

13) Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

If you ever feel discouraged about getting your book published, remember you shorely deserve it more than Mr. Sorrentino. (Note: GTL stands for Gym, Tan, and Laundry. I’m going to burn my computer to make sure that is destroyed from my search history.)

 

14) Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman

Finally, the evils of cocoa puffs are being exposed. Even reading the title will help you learn what vices you can cut out of your morning routine.

15) Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach

A not-so-family-friendly alternative to Goodnight Moon. Check out a comically comforting poolside reading by Jennifer Garner.

16) Knitting With Dog Hair: Better A Sweater From A Dog You Know and Love Than From A Sheep You’ll Never Meet by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery

Do you hate shedding and/or need a sweater? Kill two birds with one stone. No animals were harmed in the making of this book.

 

17) Italian Without Words by Don Cangelosi and Joseph Delli Carpini

Actions speak louder than words! Unravioli the secrets of this saucy language.

18) The Zen of Farting by Carl Japikse

You may think meditation stinks, but it’s perfectly natural. Maybe you just need to blow off some steam.

19) The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time by Douglas Adams

Or is it the tuna of uncertainty? If this depiction of this space-bound salmon doesn’t suffice as a writing prompt for you, I don’t know what will.

20) Everything I Want To Do Is Illegal: War Stories from the Local Food Front by Joel Salatin

A silly title for a sustainably meaty topic. Instead of pigging out on food from who knows where, feed up on some real knowledge.

21) Teach Your Wife To Be A Widow by Donald Rogers

This book is the opposite of feminist literature brought to you by the 1950s. Also, what is happening in this picture? If you said “iPhone,” congratulations. You’re a millennial.

22) Everything I Know about Women I Learned from My Tractor by Roger Welsch

Having trouble with the ladies? Keep it going with this rural treasure trove of masculine wisdom that comes a bit out of left field.

23) Love, Sex, and Tractors by Roger Welsch

Prioritize what’s near and Deere to your heart. Even if the title seems simplistic or even a little too corny to bear, remember all you learned about women you’ve learned from a book about tractors!

 

24) Golden Years My Ass: Adventures in Geriatric Indignity by Roger Welsch

For that wild-at-heart elderly relative in your life, this book is the perfect change of pace from Welsch’s typically tractor-centric publications.

25) Cooking With Pooh: Yummy Tummy Cookie Cutter Treats by Mouse Works

Don’t shit where you eat … that is, unless Disney tells you to. Take composting to a new level with everyone’s favorite and most fecal childhood cartoon character.

 

26) Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling

The insecurity blanket you didn’t know you needed, brought to you by the star of The Mindy Project. The cover captures the feeling of being a wallflower all too literally.

27) How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis Frumkes

Are you unintelligent and/or in need of a new, protein-filled recipe that feeds a married couple? Look no further: Lewis Frumkes has the perfect solution for you and your shrinking family.

28) Are Women Human?: And Other International Dialogues by Catharine A. MacKinnon

The suspense of the title is too much. The unanswerable awaits.

 

29) Live Fast Die Hot by Jenny Mollen

Ignore the fact that she is skiing on a flat surface and learn how to live on the edge with this ambiguously titled book. According to the cover, the key to “dying hot” is living cold.

 

30) I Know What I’m Doing — and Other Lies I Tell Myself: Dispatches from a Life Under Construction by Jen Kirkman

The perfect passive-aggressive present for the undecided college freshman in your life. Proceed with caution (and a hardhat)!

31) Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies, Mostly Mine (but also my mom’s, which I know sounds weird) by Michael Ian Black

Warning: this title may lead to belly laughs.

 

32) The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories by Alisa Surkis and Monica Nolan

Tired of manestream, heteronormative horse tails? Say goodbye to Seabiscuit and hello to Shebiscuit. Rated R for Rodeo.

33) Gangsta Rap Coloring Book by Aye Jay Morano

Because they’re too old for Disney Princesses, but not quite ready for sculpting nude models. Help bridge that awkward, creative age gap kids go through with this street-smart art.

 

34) Unicorns Are Jerks: A Coloring Book Exposing the Cold, Hard, Sparkly Truth by Theo Nicole Lorenz

It’s time to have the talk with your kids. You know, the one about the facts of life — about unicorns. Hold on to your lucky horseshoe and hope your kids don’t get involved with these vicious creatures.

 

35) I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano

A purrfect addition to your poetry shelf, this catirical collection is sure to tickle your whiskers. If you had nine lives, hopefully you’d spend at least one as a poet!

 

36) All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory John

Do your kids like cute dinosaurs? If so, go watch Barney — this humor is dark! However, the cute pictures are almost impossible to resist.

 

37) Dog Shaming by Pascale Lemire

Like Will Ferrell’s famous “Dissing Your Dog” skit on SNL, these alternative training techniques will help you cyberbully your bulldog into shape.

 

38) Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

Kids say the darndest things, and so does comedian Jim Gaffigan. The title is a direct quote from one of his five children.

39) Food: A Love Story by Jim Gaffigan

He was a boy. She was a grill. Can I make it any more obvious? If you’re looking for a romantic tale that rivals the likes of Twilight, you’ve found it.

 

40) You Are Old: Sobering Affirmations for Your Rapidly Disappearing Life by Scott Dikkers

Stop buying skin-tightening cream and magic diet pills. Instead, swallow this dose of reality. Note: Dr Oswald T. Pratt is merely a fictional character, not a real author. This is a new take on a pen name!

 

41) Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

I think it’s safe to say that humorist David Sedaris is well on his way to grammatical and literary excellence through this deadpan title. At least he managed to spell his name right.

 

42) The Duck Commander Family: How Faith, Family, and Ducks Built a Dynasty by Willie Robertson and Korie Robertson 

Out of toilet paper? The pages of this sorry tale will suffice in the meantime. From the stars of the unfortunate show Duck Dynasty comes one of the most humble-bragging, exaggerating titles known to man or duck.

 

43) Almighty Sports with Jesus: Featuring a Heavenly Host of Righteous Adventures by Sam Stall

I hope your Last Supper had plenty of protein, because it’s time to get ready for the Second Inning of Christ. Enjoy some wholesome athletic activities with the man who walked on water!

44) Cookin’ with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price by Coolio

If you dread cooking, these recipes will help you on your way to Gourmet Paradise. Prepare yourself for the wonder of “Drunk-Ass Chicken” and more –what are you waiting for?

 

45) Seriously…I’m Kidding by Ellen Degeneres

The only thing thick about this book is the sarcasm — it’s available in miniature form! Best of all, instead of listing quotes about the book on the back cover, Ellen uses the space to compliment readers. Take the sarcastic, pocket-sized inspiration with you wherever you go. Or not. It’s up to you.

46) America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart, Ben Karlin, David Javerbaum, Ed Helms, Rich Blomquist, Rob Corddry, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, Steve Bodow, and Tim Carvell

This star-studded writing team managed to nail down a great pun in the title as well as tease readers with the promise of an introduction by none other than Thomas Jefferson. What more could you want in literature?

47) Where Am I Now?: True Stories of Girlhood and Accidental Fame by Mara Wilson

Alternative title: Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

MaraWilsonMemoirCover.jpg

48) Strong Looks Better Naked by Khloé Kardashian 

Just in time for the Olympics, this outlandish title suggests that the author endorses nude athletic competition. Turn on your TV this summer to see if the advice sticks — anything to get people to stop watching KUWTK.

 

49) Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns

We’re all hoping that this book is about quilts, but there’s only one way to find out.

50) The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer (Coming Soon!)

This much-awaited book’s title is a clever play on “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” Schumer’s popularity will surely have many readers planning to get her ink in August.

I hope you’re as confused (and amused) as I am by this smorgasbord of titles. Which books do you want to read, and which do you want to avoid like the plague? You’re entitled to your opinion, so comment below!

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Author Bio:

Victoria Fombelle is a freelance writer, stand-up comedian, and clinical mental health counseling student living and working in Chicago.
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